Auto Motives

Let's see... You don't have any work experience. Your salary is out of our budget. And you've got an extensive criminal record. But you're definitely HIRED, simply because you own a car.

That's right, it's easier to find a job if you've got a car. And if you lose you job because "these tough economic times", we'll let you return it, just like your foreclosed home. So forget about your problems, and write us a check for $20,000.

Hyundai. Don't try to pronounce our name. It's impossible.

Cancer Shtick

If you're not getting ideal fuel efficiency, maybe it's because you're secretly chauffeuring around this "pancreatic cancer" guy. Besides adding dead weight to your car, who knows what other annoying things he's doing in there. He might be stealing pennies from your ashtray or changing your preset radio stations to smooth jazz and Spanish talk radio.

Go away cancer guy, you have 35,000 other people to kill this year.

If you're going to continue sleeping in my car, at least ride in the front seat so I don't look like your driver bitch.

Invasion of the ID Snatchers

It's hard to take this banner ad seriously, I mean, with the kooky art direction and all. It's probably not even somber enough to classify as scarevertising. But it found it's way into my Hotmail account, so I shall proceed with commentary.

I don't consider myself naive, especially when it comes to marketing tactics. In this case, I was led to believe I could actually "avoid the identity snatchers". I've been doing it all my life with real credit cards, so how could I not beat this banner game. I saw the credit card enticing me, and truly believed, "I can make it past those 12 grabby hands". Easy enough, right?

Wrong. The second I clicked on the card, the message revealed "The thieves got you!", and I was redirected to Indentity Guard's website. Wah, wah, waaaaaah!

You got me banner advertisement. You got me real good.

The Devil Wears Unitards

A new religious TV station (Net TV) is calling to stop "good television", a personal message delivered by Satan himself. But don't confuse the adjective "good" with "quality". It's a tough sell when all you're offering in return is programs such as "Dr. Christiane Northrup: Menopause and Beyond" and "Wessels Living History Farm". But at least you can watch "Waiting for God" while you're actually waiting for him.

I guess it's sort of like like watching "Dazed and Confused" while being intoxicated, minus the entertainment.

If you're still interested, you can talk to Satan via the site.

Family Values

If you died today, who would take care of your family?:
Grandma? The golden retriever? Your iPhone with 3G?

According to AccuQuote, the correct answer is the almighty dollar. Because thanks to the Internet, kids today practically raise themselves. All they need is a little money and maybe they can do something great, like develop a gambling problem. $500,000 on black please.

Thank you, comforting banner ad. You were just what I needed on a Sunday afternoon. Now excuse me. I'm off to purchase life insurance and then register for sky diving lessons.

Stormin' Mormons

What happens when you grease a slippery slope with a little too much KY Jelly? Mormons ransacking your house and sifting through your panty drawer.

This ad for "No" on California's Prop 8 gay marriage ban shows the ugly (overexaggerated) side of what happens when you invite those dudes wearing ties and bike helmets into your home.

By the way, how come ties with bike helmets never caught on in the business world? It can't be long before businessmen begin sporting that "I'm safe, but also professional" look around the office.

Medi-Scare

These depressing webisodes from Divided We Fail remind us how crappy our lives are without health insurance. I'm not sure what the call to action is, but they do a great job of convincing immigrants to lose hope in America.

You want a toe?

Today I bring you a scarevertising classic: The toe tag. As Walter from The Big Lebowski once said, "You want a toe!? I'll get you toe!" But I'll get you a toe by 3 o' clock this afternoon...with a toe tag. That's because "toe tagvertising" is one of the most overused visuals in the business. I know I say that about everything, but seriously, just Google "toe tag" and scan the images yourself. It'll toe your mind. (Sorry for that.)














If you look closely here, you'll notice they've forced a fictitious "overweight" yes/no field onto the toe tag. What a cruel world. Even when you're dead, people still label you as "fat".

Germ Warfare

FACT: Big cartoony germs must scare the hell out of people, because they're used over and over again in household cleaning ads. Lysol's brilliant solution to getting rid of the millions of germs spreading throughout your house is to spray every toilet, doorknob, pen, pencil, and anything that's ever been touched. What they don't tell you could save a hours a day and loads of money by simply washing your hands after you go to the bathroom...you know, like a normal person. But if you want to live like Howard Hughes in his final years, douche your home with Lysol every 15 minutes.

Man boobs

If you drink like a man, you might end up looking like...a clown? As you can see here, it really depends on your taste in makeup. The good news is drinkers usually stick together. So if you drink like a man and look like a man, you'll probably have no problem finding an intoxicated man who won't mind bringing home a chick that looks like a man...or maybe even a clown if you're really lucky.